Hello, and happy Monday.
First a quote: “Almost all conflict is a result of violated expectations.” — Blaine Lee
Starting today, and for the next two weeks, I’ll be sharing a short three-part MMM series on The High Cost of Misaligned Expectations .
Unspoken expectations quietly shape our experiences at home, in our relationships, and places of work. When what we expect of others remains unspoken, hidden, or unclear, it often leads to disappointment, conflict, eroded trust, and frequently, a relational crisis.
It doesn’t matter how good our intentions might be, or those of others, if we’re not meeting, or worse yet, violating each other’s unspoken expectations.
This series addresses how setting, and sharing, our expectations is important in how our intentions might be perceived, and received.
My hope is this topic, and series, sparks awareness, dialogue, and greater clarity of expectations between you and the important people in your life.
Part I
Most disappointments don’t arrive loudly or with fanfare. In fact, they often arrive quietly without announcement or warning. These occasions are frequently disguised as confusion, frustration, disappointment, or a vague sense that something isn’t quite right.
Have you ever experienced being in a job, or role, that didn’t unfold the way you had imagined? Or, perhaps a team that didn’t operate as smoothly as you had hoped? Maybe it was a situation that looked clear in your mind… but played out very differently in real life. Maybe it was a relationship that felt so perfect in the beginning and then quickly deteriorated.
Often, the issue isn’t about effort or intent… it’s about unclear, or unspoken expectations!
“The gap between expectation and reality is where disappointment lives.”
From a very young age, each of us has had a mental “video recorder” running almost continuously. Long before we could fully articulate our thoughts, we watched, and recorded, how people interacted, how conflict was handled, how respect was shown, how success was defined.
Mostly we watched and learned how to communicate with others, in both good and bad ways.
Over time, those recordings formed our mental models of how people are supposed to act, speak, and behave.
These models, sometimes call paradigms, become our internal beliefs about how things are supposed to work. These beliefs then formed our personal foundation for how we treat others, and how we expect others to treat us.
The challenge is that most of those expectations between people are rarely spoken, discussed, or negotiated; some are never even consciously examined by either party. We simply make assumptions that our expectations are obvious and transparent to others; many times, they are not!
I often find myself pondering the possibility that our subconscious mind might collude with the subconscious of others to avoid uncomfortable or difficult discussions. Or said another way, we may have expectations that we don’t discuss expectations. Does that make sense? 😊
It has been my observation that we don’t tend to make implicit expectations explicit. We don’t announce them. We don’t negotiate them. And sometimes, we don’t even know they exist, until they’re violated
That’s often the moment disappointment shows up. Not because someone failed, but because reality failed to match the picture we were carrying quietly in our minds… those unspoken expectations and assumptions.
Here’s a question for your thoughtful reflection:
How can someone meet expectations they don’t even know exist?
When expectations remain implicit rather than explicit, even capable, well-intentioned people can miss the mark—without ever knowing why. Please note this dynamic shows up everywhere including:
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New roles and/or positions
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New relationships, personal, familial, friendships, or professional
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New teams
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New seasons of our lives and careers
The cost of unspoken and/or violated expectations is real. And it’s usually paid silently—through frustration, disengagement, or quiet resentment that builds over time. At some point, this turns into a breaking point.
A suggested assignment for this week… perhaps a little reflection time considering the following questions:
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Where might you be carrying expectations you’ve never named or shared?
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What disappointments might be rooted more in assumptions than in actions?
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What clarity might prevent unnecessary frustration, or disappointment?
Awareness is the beginning… clarity is the invitation.
Bonus Quotes Below
How will you live, love, or lead, differently, or better, this week?
Sincerely,
Bryan Yager
“Expanding Your Capacity for Success”
PS
How to Transition into Leadership …and Why that Changes Everything is officially out and available through Amazon and other sources.
What others are saying:
How to Transition Into Leadership is a valuable resource for anyone preparing to step into a leadership role or elevate their existing one. The book takes you on a journey of personal growth, pushing you to rethink old habits and adopt the mindset shifts that separate effective managers from impactful leaders. I found it to be insightful and practical, and would recommend it to anyone who is serious about growing as a leader”. – Stephanie S. Mead, Author & Managing Partner, CMOE
Bonus Quotes:
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“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” – Paulo Coelho
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“Expectations are the root of all heartache.” — William Shakespeare
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“If you align expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed.” – Terrell Owens
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“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” — Stephen M.R. Covey
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“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” — Henry Winkler
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“Clarity precedes success.” — Robin Sharma
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“High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation. – Charles Kettering
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“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” – Donald Miller
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“A wonderful gift may not be wrapped as you expect.” – Jonathon Lockwood Huie
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