What Do You Expect... Really? Part II

Hello, and happy Monday.

First a quote: “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” — Anne Lamott

Today I’m sharing Part III—the final reflection in a short three-part Monday Morning Minute series on The Cost of Misaligned Expectations.

In Part I, we explored how unspoken expectations are formed—often quietly and unconsciously—and why they so frequently lead to disappointment, confusion, and conflict.

In Part II, we shifted the lens to leadership, examining how unclear expectations at work can erode trust, fairness, and engagement—and why clarity is not just helpful, but a core leadership responsibility.

Today, we bring the conversation full circle… to our closest relationships.

While misaligned expectations show up everywhere, nowhere do they carry more emotional weight than in our closest personal relationships. In marriages, partnerships, families, and friendships, we often assume shared love, shared history, or shared values mean shared expectations.

They don’t.

This week’s Monday Morning Minute looks at how unspoken expectations quietly shape our closest relationships, and how clarity, even when it feels uncomfortable, can become a genuine act of care and connection.

Part III

Most relationship struggles don’t begin with bad intentions; they begin quietly… with two-way assumptions about expectations.

These assumptions are wide-ranging and, as a sampling, can include:

• How conflict should be handled

• Decision-making processes & roles

• If applicable, approaches to parenting and philosophies

• How effort should look

• How love and support should be expressed

• How financial decisions are made, roles and authority

And, because these expectations are rarely spoken out loud, or discussed, they’re often violated by both parties without either party being aware it’s happening.

I grew up in a small rural farm town as part of a large family. My wife, Becky, grew up outside urban Chicago in a mid-sized family. Both environments were loving—and very different. Like all of us, we each carried decades of mental recordings into adulthood and our relationship.

These contrasting histories and mental models shaped our beliefs about the six topics listed above. They also include how each of us relates, communicates, and cares for one another.

Without realizing it, we entered our marriage with thousands of expectations—most of which we never discussed. Some lived well below the surface of our conscious awareness.

I remember a moment early in our marriage when I came home after a long day, mentally exhausted. I don’t remember what was said, but I remember how it felt. One of us was disappointed. The other was confused and hurt.

There were no harsh words. No raised voices. Just a quiet sense that something was off .

Later, as we talked it through, it became clear: An expectation had been violated—one that had never been spoken, shared, or discussed.

Nothing wrong had been done, but something important had been missed.

That’s where the real damage happens. Violated, or missed, expectations rarely show up as anger at first. They show up as quiet disappointment. A subtle withdrawal here, then there, these missed occasions begin to build. Soon, a story begins to develop in the quiet recesses of our minds.

If not altered, the stories we tell ourselves about the other person begin to grow; soon feelings of animosity and resentment take root and begin to spread to other conclusions and assumptions.

A good friend of mine, Bruce Gentile, used to say: “Often, close-knit relationships begin to breakdown with a series of “small good-byes.”

Soon our stories begin to include thoughts like:

• “If they really cared, they would know.”

• “Shouldn’t they know me better by now? What’s wrong with them?”

• “If I mattered more, they’d do this differently.”

• “Clearly they don’t love or appreciate me.”

Our expectations are shaped by our unique histories and experiences, not by universal truth.

“We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.” – Anaïs Nin

And here’s a hard thought that may merit a little consideration and reflection:

“Unspoken expectations… are premeditated resentments.”

Not because anyone intends harm, but because silence gives disappointment space to grow and expand to brosader aspects of the relationship.

Healthy relationships don’t eliminate expectations. They create space to talk safely about them. They replace assumptions with curiosity. They invite dialogue before resentment takes root and expands.

Clarity of expectations may not be romantic, but an act of caring.

A few suggested areas of reflection for the week ahead:

• Where might you be expecting something you’ve never clearly named or shared?

• What expectations are you holding quietly, hoping the other person will eventually notice and change their behavior?

• How might curiosity soften a conversation you’ve been avoiding?

When expectations are spoken… they can be understood. When they remain hidden… they quietly erode connection.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve shared a short series on The Cost of Misaligned Expectations .

Why?

Because unspoken expectations quietly shape our experiences—often more than we realize.

In Part I , we explored how expectations are formed long before we’re even aware. Our mental “recordings” from past experiences create assumptions about how people, roles, and situations should work. When those expectations remain unspoken, disappointment often follows.

In Part II , we shifted to the workplace, where misaligned expectations carry an even higher cost. Leadership requires clarity. When expectations are unclear, feedback feels unfair, accountability breaks down, and trust erodes—not because people don’t care, but because success was never clearly defined.

In Part III , we looked at personal relationships—where assumptions can be especially dangerous. Shared values do not guarantee shared expectations. When expectations go unnamed, they quietly turn into resentment, emotional distance, and misunderstandings that could have been avoided with honest dialogue.

Across all three missives, one theme remained constant:

Unspoken expectations are rarely harmless.

But, there is good news.

When expectations are named, shared, discussed, and revisited:

• Relationships strengthen

• Trust grows

• Performance improves

• Disappointment decreases

Clarity doesn’t eliminate conflict—it creates more understanding and connection.

And understanding is where healthier relationships, stronger teams, and better leadership begin.

Bonus Quotes Below

How will you live, love, or lead, differently, or better, this week?

Sincerely,

Bryan Yager

“Expanding Your Capacity for Success”

PS

Many of the ideas shared in this series… clarity, expectations, and learning to replace assumptions in conversations—also show up in my recently released book, “How to Transition into Leadership …and Why that Changes Everything.”

While the book focuses primarily on management and leadership, the lessons apply just as powerfully to our important relationships outside of work.

Click here to order your copy of “How to Transition Into Leadership… and Why That Changes Everything”

What others are saying:

“As a professional always trying to become a better leader, I love how this book engages both the heart and the head in its lessons. Yager’s book has short but impactful chapters, each with an insight into the nature of human relationships and how it applies to becoming a more authentic and influential leader. I also learned a lot about myself along the way.

John Bagan, Retired Retail Executive

Bonus Quotes:

• “Love is not mind-reading.” – Unknown

• “Most relationship breakdowns are not caused by malice, but by misunderstanding.” – John Gottman

• “Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” – Paulo Coelho

• “Expectations are the root of all heartache.” — William Shakespeare

• “If you align expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed.” – Terrell Owens

• “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” — Stephen M.R. Covey

• “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” — Henry Winkler

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