Hello, and happy Monday.
First a quote… “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” – Robin Williams
For years now, I’ve begun many multi-day workshops by inviting people to glance around the room and make brief eye contact with each of their fellow participants. I then point out the obvious… every person in the room is unique; every person has a story, and no two stories are the same.
Imagine sitting in an airport terminal watching people. (one of my favorite airport pastimes) Perhaps hundreds of people walk past where you’re sitting.
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business people
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young mothers
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the elderly
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teenagers
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soldiers
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the nurse
To us they’re strangers. To someone else they’re the central character in an incredible story.
That perspective changes everything.
A few years ago, I came across a simple illustration that has stayed with me ever since. Picture an iceberg floating in the ocean.
Only about ten percent of an iceberg is visible above the waterline. The remaining ninety percent lies hidden beneath the surface.
The more I thought about that image, the more I realized it isn’t just true of icebergs.
It also pertains to people.
Every day we encounter family members, friends, neighbors, coworkers, customers, and complete strangers. We see only what is at the surface level… their looks, words, behaviors, attitudes, decisions, and personalities.
We don’t see below the surface, including everything that has shaped what is visible or has been shared.
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We don’t see the childhood that built their confidence—or shattered it.
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We don’t see the mentor who believed in them… or the boss who didn’t.
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We don’t see the loss they’re carrying, the challenge they’re quietly facing, or the dream they’re still pursuing.
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We don’t see countless victories, disappointments, sacrifices, celebrations, tragedies, heartaches, or lessons that have become part of their story.
Yet those hidden experiences often explain far more than what we can see on the surface. And from the 10% of what we see, we draw first impressions, make assumptions and can easily come to inaccurate conclusions.
I’ve been thinking lately that perhaps one of the greatest leadership skills isn’t having all the right answers. Perhaps it’s having enough curiosity to discover the story beneath the surface.
Curious leaders build stronger relationships because they care enough to discover the stories that shaped the people they lead.
Curiosity changes conversations.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with this person?” we begin asking, “I wonder what experiences have shaped the person I see?”
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Instead of making assumptions; I ask another question.
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Instead of reacting to behavior; become interested in understanding it.
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Curiosity slows us down.
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It replaces judgment with empathy.
It builds trust because people sense when someone genuinely wants to know them rather than simply evaluate them.
As leaders, parents, spouses, friends, and neighbors, we will never know every chapter of another person’s story. But, we can choose to remember that there is always more beneath the surface than we can see.
Sometimes the greatest gift we give another person isn’t advice… it may be our willingness to listen long enough to understand.
Everyone has a story.
The question is… Are we curious enough to discover the parts they’re willing to share?
Every person you meet is carrying an iceberg. What you see is only the tip. Curiosity is what allows us to discover what lies beneath.
This week, before making assumptions, pause long enough to wonder…
“I wonder what story has shaped the person standing in front of me?”
And unfortunately, from this perspective, we only see people at a mere surface level.
This week’s challenge…
This week let’s all become more intentionally curious about the important people in our lives.
When someone frustrates you, pause before judging.
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Ask one more question.
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Listen a little longer.
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Listen a little deeper.
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Look beneath the surface.
You may discover that understanding another person’s story changes not only how you see them, but also how they experience you.
How will you live, love, or lead, differently, or better this week?
Sincerely,
Bryan Yager
PS
Many of the ideas shared in this MMM series also show up in my recently released book, “How to Transition into Leadership …and Why that Changes Everything.”
While the book focuses primarily on management and leadership, the lessons apply just as powerfully to our important relationships outside of work, both personal and professional.
What others are saying:
BryanYager has written an excellent book that helps both newly promoted managers and experienced leaders reassess their opportunities for personal growth. I am a business coach, and one of the main challenges for business owners is… if you want your business to grow beyond your personal capacity, you must make the transition from producer to leader-builder.
The success of their company depends on it. Mr. Yager’s book lays out the challenges clearly and the solutions to implement. I have recommended this book to several of my clients, and it has made a difference.”
Dave – Business Consultant
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Bonus Quotes:
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“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln
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“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” – Stephen R. Covey
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“…there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.” – Christopher McCandless
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“I don’t like to compare years, honestly. I think every year is a different experience, a different challenge. You grow. You evolve as a person and as a player.” – Novak Djokovic
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“It’s important to me to just experience as much as possible and to be able to just work and meet new people and have different experiences and have as much knowledge as I can.” – Britt Robertson
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“Everyone has all different experiences in school. I just know that throughout my life, at no time did any teacher ever point at me and say, hey. He’ll go far.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson
